Battleships
by DasSchnabeltier
Summary: My First Fanfic, A PaF episode my way, just an idea I had a while ago. Please RxR, but please no flamers. It is... done.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, this is my first Fanfic, so please commet but please no major flamers. Elliptical was my beta reader, she's amazing so, woot. Tell me what you think, Phineas and Ferb Episode, "Battleships."**

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Chapter 1

I Know What We're Going to Do Today

Phineas and Ferb were sitting under their tree, reviewing their daily ideas with no real interest. "Teach Perry tricks; create a sound-proof bubble, New Holiday… Day, I don't know Ferb, none of them seem good," Phineas said, putting their blueprints away. He sat back down and stared at the grass, pondering their daily activity. Lawrence then entered the yard and noticed his bored children doing nothing.

"Hey, boys, what'cha doing?" he said.

"I don't know dad, for once we're out of ideas," Phineas replied. Then he noticed his father was holding something. "What's that?" he asked, pointing at the game box that Lawrence was holding.

"Oh, this? This was my favorite game from when I was a lad," he said, putting down the box to show Phineas and Ferb. It depicted a duel between two WWII type battleships.

"Battleships?" inquired Phineas, opening up the box to examine the game closely.

"Yes, it requires a lot of strategy and patience, think you two can play?" Dad challenged, before chuckling and walking off.

"Well, Dad did suggest we play this, let's give it a whirl," exclaimed Phineas. The two spent about five minutes setting the game up before sitting across from each other and beginning. They were halfway through the game when Baljeet, Buford, and Isabella walked into the yard. Phineas was sweating profusely and scanning his board worriedly, while Ferb was sitting back against the tree with a hint of a satisfied smile on his face.

"A…" Phineas began to stutter, looking up for any sign of change in his brother's face. "Five," he finally decided. Ferb drew his hand slowly across his neck, indicating a miss with glee. Phineas lifted the white marker grudgingly, and placed it onto the board.

"Hey Phineas, what'cha doin'?" Isabella chimed in as Ferb began his guess. Both of them looked up to see their friends.

"Oh, hi guys, we're playing an old board game our dad showed us. Ferb's doing very well, but it's all part of my master plan," said Phineas, giving his brother a wicked smile.

Ferb replied by rolling his eyes.

"Hey, where's Perry?" Phineas asked them all, looking around.

"Perry's absence won't end your defeat," Ferb piped in before announcing, "J6." Phineas looked down at the board, and gave a frustrated yell.

"Hit, you sunk my battleship." Phineas sighed. Ferb gave another smile, and chuckled softly. "You know, Ferb, I wonder if you could beat me in a real battleship duel. Wait, that's it! I know what we're going to do today!" he said, after realizing that the battleship was his last.

"So, let's start that giant version now," Phineas said, trying hard to cover up his previous loss. "We can be on teams, two versus two. Since Ferb won this round, I'll pick my partner first." Isabella's face lit up, and then became downcast when Phineas chose Baljeet; since Phineas said he'd need someone nearly as intelligent as Ferb to beat him. Ferb chose Buford, whose aggressive nature could help in a war against his brother. "Isabella, you can keep score, how's that?" Phineas said.

"Sure, no problem," sighed Isabella. She went over and sat by the fence while Phineas and Ferb began building the ships. "Maybe Perry will help me… Perry? Perry? Phineas, where's Perry?"

"Oh, he already vanished today, don't worry," Phineas replied while welding the hull of the Aircraft Carrier, which was named the S.S. Perry. Ferb's carrier was the S.S. The Platypus and both had Perry on their flags, except Ferb's was muted color. Meanwhile, Perry was sneaking away behind the house to begin his Agent P. mission.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey peoples, Chapter 2 is up... nearly immediately, I had both ready. Sorry for the rambling quality, but I love the Perry and Doofenshmirtz subplots. Please read and review, I'll put up with some flame, critism is good... right?**

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Battleships

Chapter 2: Enter Perry

Perry the Platypus sauntered away, unnoticed by Phineas, Ferb, or their friends. Quickly, he donned his fedora and stepped beneath his owner's mom's station wagon, where a secret tunnel opened up, sucking Perry down into his secret agent lair. He ran into the large chair into the front of the large screen where Major Monogram was already waiting for him.

"Ah, Agent P. good to see you again. It's Dr. Doofenshmirtz again, he's made some very suspicious purchases: a giant cube, an extra large pack of rainbow stickers, plans for a laser machine, and a three bean salad. We have no idea what he could be up too, so get right on it, Agent P!" Monogram looked up from his list in time to see Perry salute and run to his hovercraft. "Carl, I wonder if he knows Doofenshmirtz **didn't** buy a three bean salad."

"I wouldn't worry," said Carl, who was busy eating a three bean salad. Monogram shot him a glare.

"This is the last time you write the Doofenshmirtz Purchase List."

Meanwhile, miles above Danville Perry was speeding towards Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. He leaped from the hovercraft and glided into an air duct in the roof of the building.

**Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!!**

Perry slinked slowly toward Doofenshmirtz, who was busy leaning over a craft table. Suddenly a rope noose whipped out of the gloom and flipped the platypus upside down, dangling from his left leg. Doofenshmirtz turned around, and a wicked smile spread across his face.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, what an unforeseen surprise, and by unforeseen you of course know I mean completely foreseen," Doofenshmirtz announced very matter of fact. He then turned around to grab a remote control. "Perry the Platypus, Emotionally Scarring Back-Story Time!"

Dr. D faded into oblivion for a second, before coming back into focus. "Oh, Perry the Platypus, I almost forgot, I replaced your cute little secret agent hat with my Back-Story-Inator, you know, to help me with… well, back stories. It uses nano-wires to feed my story directly into your brain." Doofenshmirtz swirled into the mist, and all Perry heard was his irritating nasally voice.

"You see, when I was younger my parents never let be play with Rubix Cubes – oh, how I envied those privileged children with them. They mocked me with their solving and candy-colored cubes. The Cube-Inator will fix that, though. It will turn everything it hits into a Rubix Cube, and soon everyone in the Tri-State area will grow sick of them. Then they will throw them away and I'll be able to take all the Rubix cubes in the Tri-State area to fill the void left by my parents back in Gimmelstump." Perry shuddered as Doofenshmirtz came back into focus; the fact Dr. D was inside his mind made him cringe.

"Behold, my Cube-Inator!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz yelled, laughing madly as he pointed to a giant Rubix Cube with a laser sticking out of the top. "My back-story explained the reasoning behind it, and now it is time to activate my creation!! However, it requires a lot of power, normally I would use an endangered white mouse to power it, but… they're endangered, so I'm just using a hobo." Doofenshmirtz paused to point at a crazed looking homeless man dressed in rags running inside of a giant hamster wheel attached to the Cube-Inator. The doctor continued, "I'm paying him in cheese and crackers, and all he has to do is run. He says his name is Jebediah, so say hello Perry the Platypus."

Perry chattered as Jebediah waved at him, continuing his steady jog. _This is going to be a long day,_ he thought to himself, carefully plotting his way to escape.

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**Author's Note: At camp there was a counseler dress-up competition, and our cabin one because our counseler dressed as a Hobo, named Jebediah. Now whenever I think "Hobo" I picture my counseler in ripped jeans, cheesy vest, barefoot with a red hankercheif and a guitar, and the name Jebediah. Thank you Jebediah.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3, woo hoo. We go back to Phineas and Ferb's creation, and a try my hand a writing the song portion. Beta credit to the talented Elliptical. RxR please!!**

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Chapter 3: Das Krieg Spiel

Phineas and Ferb had by this time turned their backyard into a giant Battleships game board - two giant square lakes separated by a fifty foot high brick wall. Phineas was standing on a platform with his friends and ten glass bottles of soda, ready to christen the game's ships.

"Now, I know generally people use champagne," Phineas said, "and we tried to get some. But when we called it in, turns out we _were_ too young to get that."

**Flashback**

Phineas picked up his cell phone and dialed his normal delivery service. "Hey, Joe, how you doing?"

"Good Phineas, so what's the project this time?" the man on the other side of the line inquired.

"We're building a giant game of battleships!"

"Sounds cool, so what do you need?"

"We need to christen the new ships, and I know people use champagne for that, right?"

"Yes, but Phineas, aren't you a little young to order champagne?"

Phineas chuckled at the standard question. "Yes, yes I am."

"Well, you actually are. I'm sorry Phineas, but people your age actually **can't** buy champagne."

"Wait… what?"

"Sorry, maybe I'll have what you need next time. Goodbye." He hung up, leaving Phineas standing there with a gaping mouth. This time he was actually too young to order something. He shrugged it off eventually, and continued work with Ferb on their fleet.

**End Flashback**

"So we decided to use soda instead, because we aren't too young for that." After giving a small sigh, he threw the bottles into the sides of the ships and they sailed to pre-calculated positions on the game board.

Candace then strode into the backyard and looked up at the two fleets ready to duel in her backyard. "PHINEAS!!!" she screeched to the heavens. A rope ladder dropped from the platform above her, and Phineas quickly clambered down to meet his sister. Phineas was in a white summer naval uniform and shiny black shoes. Ferb, Buford, and Baljeet peered over the platform, all dressed as navy men.

"Oh, hi, Candace, we were about to start a giant game of Battleships, want to help Isabella keep score?" he asked, pointing at a bored looking Isabella who was sitting in front of a screen, her eyes glazed over.

"No, I don't, and when Mom sees you built a giant war game in the backyard, you will be so busted," Candace said, and she ran off cackling madly, leaving Phineas to stare after her.

"Ferb, I think I know what we're going to do tomorrow. You still got the internet link for a five minute PhD in therapy?" Phineas asked, turning to face his brother while climbing up the ladder. Ferb nodded, and then the two saluted each other. "Ferb, up until this time we've been brothers, but once this war starts we're enemies until it's over."

"Phineas, it's just a game," Ferb replied, but nonetheless took his position on the red team with Buford. Phineas and Baljeet went to their respectable sides. A drum roll began by the Fireside Girls…

_Listen closely to this wonderful tale,_

_Of a large brotherly completion gale,_

_It's a giant board game war (board game war)_

_These two are going at it like an enraged boar_

_They're on the high seas,_

_This ain't no simple tease,_

_It's a giant board game war (board game war)_

_What started as a simple game, soon erupted out of proportion,_

_Now they're gonna fight till the other's skew,_

_In this giant board game war (board game war)_

_Yeah, it's a giant board game war (board game war)_

_Phineas and Baljeet, cautiously commanding,_

'_Gainst the calculating Ferb, __and Buford, but he's just standing_…

_In this Giiiaaant Booooooaaard Game, Waaaaaaaaaaaar!_

At the staring signal from Isabella, Ferb began the game, guessing A-5 in a mocking tribute to Phineas' last guess from the previous game. A column of water erupted from the specified square, rocking the little minesweeper in the adjacent square; Baljeet looked over at Phineas worriedly.

"This may be harder than we thought," Baljeet said. Phineas looked over to his little friend.

"Baljeet, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is, however, the end of the beginning," Phineas said ominously.

"Where did you get that quote from?" Baljeet inquired.

"From your 'Pointlessly Convenient Quote Series, Volume II,'" Phineas replied. "I borrowed it after we made The Baljeatles for a bit of reading."

"Hey, are you two going to guess or not!" Buford shouted to Phineas and Baljeet, who had forgotten they were playing the game during their small talk.

"F10!" Baljeet yelled back, and a column of flame burst from the opposing side. Phineas high-fived Baljeet, who was quite pleased with himself. Suddenly, a jet of fire spewed from the little minesweeper, scaring both blue team players. Phineas swapped his hat for a helmet, and the true battle grew seriously underway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey ya'll, chapter numero quatro ist finitè. (Hehe, four languages, I am so smart.) Anyway, please RxR.**

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Chapter 4: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

The blood was rushing to Perry's head as he continued to hang upside down, watching Jebediah running while Doofenshmirtz rambled on about his atrocious childhood. Perry needed to escape, but from his position it would be difficult. He scanned the room and smiled as he saw the supply of crackers and cheese used to sustain Jebediah. Quickly, he formulated a plan, and began to put it into action.

"Perry the Platypus, remember when a few days ago I… Perry the Platypus, what are you doing?" Doofenshmirtz asked as Perry whipped off his hat and threw it toward the box of crackers. It somehow sliced clean through the thin cardboard, and the crackers tumbled to the ground.

"Sweet mother! Food!" Jebediah yelled, jumping off the wheel and dashing over to the crackers on the floor. He began to wolf down the crackers, paying no mind to running around in the Cube-Inator.

"Noooo! Perry the Platypus, how dare you rob my Cube-Inator of power!" exclaimed the mad doctor, sprinting to check the Cube-Inator's power level. Then, out of the gloom, a beaver tail smacked him across the face. Perry the Platypus landed on his two feet, facing Doofenshmirtz with a serious air.

The two circled slowly, waiting for the other to make the first move. Doofenshmirtz lunged first, aiming to grab the monotreme, but Perry leaped into the air and preformed a highly-improbable Judo kick, knocking Dr. D back into the Cube-Inator. After taking a furious beating from the platypus, Doofenshmirtz stood.

"Wait, wait, Perry the Platypus, do you hear something?" inquired Doofenshmirtz, straining his hears to catch a sound. Perry stopped as well, and together both of their eyes widened as they heard rhythmic beeping noise. "I wonder what that could be; would you help me check the security camera tapes?" Perry nodded, and they ran into the surveillance room.

"Oh dear, it seems that at some point during the fight, you pushed me into the self-sacrifice button. Normally it would be a self-destruct button, but I learned from that. You see, this one causes the ray to fire its power and then… blow… up." Doofenshmirtz stuttered toward the end. "This is going to be fun," he settled on saying, before Perry ran out of the room. Quickly, Doofenshmirtz jumped beneath a table as he heard a laser fire, meaning only five seconds. Four, three, two, one… The top of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated burst into a thousand fragments as the Cube-Inator exploded, taking Dr. D and the building with it. His last tuft of hair on fire, Doofenshmirtz crawled out of the burning wreck, shaken and covered in ash. "CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!" he screamed at the Agent P. parachute above him, shaking his fist as Perry gave him a quick wave before blowing away.

"You know, I wonder what that self-sacrifice ray hit anyway…" Doofenshmirtz pondered as he began to dig himself out of the rubble.


	5. Chapter 5

**Final Chapter, whoo hoo. This was completed in what, and our. *check calender* EIGHT DAYS... that was some party. Anyway, tis done so please RxR and give me tips for the next one (Me taking a stab at PxI).**

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Chapter 5: Oh, There You Are Perry

It was a horrid repeat of earlier that day. One by one Phineas had watched his ships become sunk, barely able to sink anything except for the minesweeper Baljeet discovered at the beginning of the game. He scanned the targeting board. A mass of white markers filled his vision. Phineas began to worry; he couldn't lose twice to Ferb.

"J7," Baljeet shouted across the board, seeing Phineas as unable to command the battle anymore. Another jet of water appeared as Ferb replied curtly that it was a miss, and then Buford continued in foretelling the downfall of Phineas. Both chuckled to themselves as they took aim to find Phineas' last ship, the S.S. Perry.

"B…" Ferb began, his eyes flashing with delight, and then they flicked to the sky. A bright blue beam burst from the horizon, and crashed into the battleships board. Phineas, Ferb, Baljeet, and Buford leaped from the platforms as the game began to morph, growing smaller and smaller.

"Ferb, what's happening?" Phineas asked as the game board turned into a tiny cube, still glowing blue. An explosion gripped the backyard (set up by Doofenshmirtz for dramatic effect), and a plume of smoke emanated from inside the fence. The smoke of the blast eventually cleared, and sitting in their yard was an unsolved Rubix Cube. Ferb waltzed over to the toy, and began to attempt to solve it. Then Candace came rushing into the backyard, dragging Linda behind her.

"See, Mom! See, see, see! They boys have ruined our backyard with this over-complex strategy game!" screamed Candace, pointing in the direction of Ferb, with the Rubix Cube.

"Yes Candace, I see the 'over complex strategy game'," said Mom, looking blankly at the children in the backyard. "Hi boys, Buford, Baljeet, Isabella," she greeted, waving to Phineas and Ferb with their friends.

"Hi Mom," Phineas replied, waving back.

"Come on, Candace, you need to lie down," Linda sighed, and she led the red-headed teenager into the house. The Ferb got up and held up the Rubix Cube, completely solved.

"I don't know where Candace got 'over complicated' from, but that was fun," Ferb said. Phineas looked over, and yelled that Ferb once again excelled in something intellectual once again. Then the little platypus waddled over from the yard's gate, and chattered contentedly.

"Oh, there you are Perry," Phineas observed. Then his eyes lit up feverishly. "Do you know how to play chess?" he asked, picking up the monotreme and walking into the house.

**Credits**

It was Doofenshmirtz's birthday party, and all the evil scientists were there. Vanessa approached her dad with a little wrapped cube.

"Hey dad, look at what I got you," she announced, holding up the toy-sized cube. Doofenshmirtz grew excited as he grabbed the shape from his daughter.

"Oh, Vanessa, how did you know I wanted…" He plundered to a halt as he held up a photo-cube with very sentimental pictures of himself and Vanessa, "whatever this is."

"It's a photo-cube of our best moments together, Dad!" Vanessa squealed excitedly, hugging her father.

"Oh, how nice…" Dr. D replied, whipping out his blueprints for the Cube-Inator Mark. II. "I… like it."

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**And there we go!**


End file.
